That One Time I Left a $5000 Mattress in New York

I’ve had a few financial mishaps in my life. Some are more memorable than others, like attempting to go to college 3 times. But there’s one little mishap that, for the people who know, gives me all sorts of shit because of it. 

Let’s set the scene. 

I’m 20 years old, making pretty decent money, living in my grandparent’s basement, and I think, you know what, I could use a new mattress. It was easy to tell because where I slept most on the mattress, you could see the Grand Canyon’s distant cousin taking form. Boy, that crevice was deep

This was an entirely new experience for me going mattress shopping. I mean, I went with my Grandma and helped pick out a twin mattress before, but that doesn’t really count. The little mattress that could, or in this case couldn’t, was short-lived. Every time I tried to get comfortable, I damn near rolled right off the bed and onto the coffee table. I learned rather quickly that I was a smidge too big for a twin. 

So, mattress shopping. By myself. All alone. No hand to hold. I think I went to Slumberland and tried every mattress in that store not once, but twice. You gotta make sure it’s not too soft or not too hard. The Goldilocks zone, ya know? My preferred mattress was the Tempurpedic. 8 years ago, these were the Cadillacs of the bedroom. And I wanted a bedroom Cadillac.

I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there used to be a Tempurpedic commercial where 2 people were jumping on the bed with a glass of wine standing up perfectly in the middle. It never fell over! As a kid seeing that, I thought that was the definition of comfort. Wine not spilling while 2 people jump up and down, when you think about it, makes little to no sense in the department of comfort. But, hey, they sold me I guess. 

In Slumberland, that same kid’s brain took over. No, I didn’t bring a glass of wine to do the mattress test. A swing and a miss there, Tyler. 

There were 3 Tempurpedics on the showroom floor, and I made sure to spend a solid 10 minutes on each mattress. I’m sure the sales guy was getting annoyed, but this was a big-boy decision. They say you spend ⅓ of your life sleeping, so may as well do it in absolute comfort. 

I ended up going with the medium firmness, my Goldilocks zone. But wait, there’s more! See, there was a special going on that if I bought a Tempurpedic, I could get a brand-new frame. Not just any old box frame that cavemen use. Oh, no! With this purchase, I could shave a couple hundred bucks off a bonafide steel frame with massage capabilities and adjustable head and foot positions. 

Holy shit, sign me up! 

“Well that sounds all fine and dandy, Tyler, but how much is all this going to cost?”

Oh, just a cool $5,000. No big deal at all. Except, this baller on a budget didn’t have that kind of cash burning a hole in his pocket. So, as any good American does, I opened up a Slumberland credit card and rang my new mattress and frame up. A payment I’d have for the next 6 years. I should mention I received 2 complimentary pillows and sheets with my new bedroom Cadillac. Doesn’t quite take the sting out, but hopefully, I’ll be sleeping like a baby for the next 25 years. Hopefully. 

Well, shortly after buying my used car, I mean a new mattress, I decided it was time to move 1,4000 miles to the wonderful state of New York. Specifically, Long Island. I packed up all my stuff, mattress included, shoved it all into a tiny U-Haul, and drove off. This move was brought on by a girl I met playing an online video game. My brain thought it made perfect sense to live with this person after knowing them for only 6 months. 

Absolutely not. 

It was a disaster, quite frankly. They say you don’t truly know somebody until you move in with them. Boy, is that the truth. Long story short, New York and I didn’t work out. The Wisconsinite and New Yorker just don’t fit well together, at least in my experience. Who would’ve thought? The horn honking, the middle fingers, and the abrasive personalities were just a bit much. I can’t tell you how much I missed the “Ohp, ‘scuse me! Just gonna squeeze past ya for some ranch” kinda vibes. That sentence is home for this guy. 

Now, at the end of this disaster, I just broke. I packed up my car with whatever fit, and I drove straight home. All 23 hours straight. What I didn’t do was get another U-Haul. Which means I left my bedroom Cadillac behind. My brand new sleep investment became a fart in the wind just like that. I definitely had about 5 years left to pay on that mattress, which was a mild salt in the wound scenario. 

Do I regret leaving my Tempurpedic dream behind? Absolutely not. If I hadn’t, I never would’ve come across the Purple mattress. If there’s one thing I know for certain in this world is that a Purple mattress will change your life. I’m a hardcore fan of these guys. I wish I would’ve bought one of these before I made my financial blunder. Maybe then I could’ve strapped that mattress to my roof. If I had done a little more research it would’ve saved me $3,500.

That’s the lesson of this week’s newsletter: Do your research. Thoroughly. Your future self will thank you later. 

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